"The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog... When all other friends desert, he remains."
Senator George Graham Vest, Speech to the U.S. Senate (1855)

Signs You Have a Dumb Dog
As presented on the 10/19/93 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. Lengthy pause after "Bow" while it tries to remember "Wow".
9. Buries tail, wags bones.
8. When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meat-by products.
7. Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes two packs a day.
6. Showed up at the Whoopi Goldberg roast in catface.
5. Has suffered over two dozed concussions from toilet seat falling on his head.
4. Thinks "Snausages" is a real word.
3. Voted for Fred Grandy, Love Boat's gopher, because he really thought he'd be a good congressman.
2. Spends hours staring at kitchen cabinet, waiting for tiny horse-and-carriage to come out.
1. Constantly chasing people named "Katz".

The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee. 12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...

1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.

Dog Titles:
A few dog owners in cyberspace have a few titles that any dogcan earn - without any special training! Most of these comequite naturally to some dogs.

AD (attention deficit)
ARB (ace refrigerator bandit)
BW (butt wagger)
BWX (butt wagger excellent)
CC (cat - courser)
CCX (cat - courser excellent)
CP (couch potato)
CPX (couch potato excellent
CSX (counter surfer extrordanaire)
GFIY (go fetch it yourself)
HHP (House Hold Pet)
IDDI (I didn't do it)
ILF (I like food)
ILLF (I like lots of food)
IWFF (I work for food)
LD (lap dog)
LDX (lap dog excellent)
OWTH (Oh, What The Heck)
TBF (thick but friendly)
TGS (terribly good snorer)
TGAN (terribly good at nothing)
TSIM (that seat is mine)
TTIM (that toy is mine)
UNCD (under the covers dog)
UNCDX (under the covers dog excellent)
WM (who me?)

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE
TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
Afghan: Light bulb? What light bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And he'll rewire the house while he's at it.
Italian Greyhound: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Poodle: Sorry, just had my nails done.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Malamute: Let him do it, you can pet me while he's busy.
Springer: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Shiba-Inu: Zero! Shibas aren't afraid of the dark!
Collie: No, don't change it. If it's dark, maybe no one will see me sleeping on the couch.
Cocker: Why change it. It isn't hurting anyone and I am just as loving in the dark.
Chinese Crested: I can put it in, I can jump and spin !!!!

NICE DOGGIE
One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"

To which the man replied, "Get in line."

Does your dog bite?
A man is strolling through the park and sees a guy sitting on a park bench with a great big dog sitting next to him. The man goes up to the bench sitter and says, "Does your dog bite?"

The Bench sitter says, "No, he doesn't."

So, the man reaches out to pet the dog and it practically bites his arm off. As he stands there bleeding, he says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!!!"

Bench sitter---"That's not my dog."

Dead Doggie?
A woman goes to the vet. She says, "Doctor, I think there's something wrong with my dog. He hasn't moved all day."

The vet examines the dog and says, "I'm sorry. I'm afraid your dog is dead."

"Dead! How can he be dead? He was just fine yesterday. Are you sure he's dead? Isn't there some other test you can run?"

The vet leaves and returns in a moment with a pet carrying case. He opens the case and a large cat emerges. The cat plods over to the dog and sniffs around its head. It then circles the dog, sniffing and poking around. After a minute or two the cat returns to its cage.

"Well," says the vet, "that pretty much proves it. He's dead."

"I guess you're right," says the woman, now coming to grips with what happened. "At least you did your best. How much do I owe you?"

"$230."

"$230?! For what? All you did was tell me my dog was dead. What did you do that costs $230?"

"Well it's $30 for the office visit," says the vet, "and $200 for the cat scan."

DOG SAYINGS
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot little puppies." --Gene Hill

"In dog years I'm dead." --Unknown

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." --Penny Ward Moser

"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch." --Michael Friedman

"Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job." --Franklin P. Jones

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half a cow... they must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" --Anne Tyler

"If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one." --Andy Rooney

"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." --Woodrow Wilson

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." --Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." --Ann Landers

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." --Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." --Ben Williams

"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." --Roger Caras

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." --Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." --Josh Billings

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." --Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion" --Unknown

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." --Unknown

"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives." -- Rita Rudner

A DOG AND A CAT
It is reported that the following addition to the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam, and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom, and all the good names are taken, and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and to Eve, and loved them.
And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know he is not worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion for Adam.
And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being.
And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.