The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.

Signs You Have a Dumb Dog
As presented on the 10/19/93 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. Lengthy pause after "Bow" while it tries to remember "Wow".
9. Buries tail, wags bones.
8. When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meat-by products.
7. Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes two packs a day.
6. Showed up at the Whoopi Goldberg roast in catface.
5. Has suffered over two dozed concussions from toilet seat falling on his head.
4. Thinks "Snausages" is a real word.
3. Voted for Fred Grandy, Love Boat's gopher, because he really thought he'd be a good congressman.
2. Spends hours staring at kitchen cabinet, waiting for tiny horse-and-carriage to come out.
1. Constantly chasing people named "Katz".

Dog Titles:
A few dog owners in cyberspace have a few titles that any dog can earn - without any special training! Most of these come quite naturally to some dogs.
AD (attention deficit)
ARB (ace refrigerator bandit)
BW (butt wagger)
BWX (butt wagger excellent)
CC (cat - courser)
CCX (cat - courser excellent)
CP (couch potato)
CPX (couch potato excellent
CSX (counter surfer extrordanaire)
GFIY (go fetch it yourself)
HHP (House Hold Pet)
IDDI (I didn't do it)
ILF (I like food)
ILLF (I like lots of food)
IWFF (I work for food)
LD (lap dog)
LDX (lap dog excellent)
OWTH (Oh, What The Heck)
TBF (thick but friendly)
TGS (terribly good snorer)
TGAN (terribly good at nothing)
TSIM (that seat is mine)
TTIM (that toy is mine)
UNCD (under the covers dog)
UNCDX (under the covers dog excellent )
WM (who me?)

Consider This...
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches & pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friends limited education and never correct him/her,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, or politics,
Then, my friend,
You are ALMOST as good as your dog.

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