You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets.
What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
The Lawyer's Creed:
A man is innocent until proven broke.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Sadam Housain and a lawyer are buried neck deep in sand, who do you kick in the teeth first??
Housain, Business before pleasure
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
What is the definition of a lawyer?
A mouth with a life-support system.
What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A whine cellar.
Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
Both have hearts like stones.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A tick drops off you when you die.
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
Out of Towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town?
Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
1) The vulture eventually lets go.
2) Vultures don't get Frequent Flyer Miles.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
Take your foot off his head.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetary
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Why do lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, it primal urge is to cluck defiance.
What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this point being non- negotiable.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self- same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non- negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. (at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left...)
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift.
Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well—only double."
The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just recieved $20,000,000," the genie said.
"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish."
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just recieved two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"
"Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out!"
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said ‘Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."
Replied the governor "Well, its OK with me if its OK with the undertaker."
In the US, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.
In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.
In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.
In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.
The patent attorney turns away from his window, the invention in his hand, and exclaims to the inventor:
"Death ray my ass! It hardly even slows them down!"
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my ‘gator."
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator – It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
(Stay tuned for more - I got lots!!)
BLONDE JOKES BATTLE OF THE SEXES BOSS JOKES
COMPUTER JOKES LAWYER JOKES LIGHTBULB JOKES
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN.....
WORDS OF WISDOM POEMS INSPIRATION
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