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Nancy O. Johnson Caracature
The Laughing Stock
WARNING: Some jokes may not be suitable for young audiences...
Parental Guidance Suggested.

No offence is intended by any of these jokes - so if you are able to laugh at yourself - come on in and laugh your head off. If you are a "sensitive" type you should probably surf elsewhere.

WISDOM and QUOTES
(they say the truth is out there -
the truth is right here!)

FAMOUS QUOTES

Just because my eyes are closed, it doesn't mean I am sleeping!
-Nancy O. Johnson (1951-)

Get the facts first. You can distort them later.

There is one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he is crooked

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living, the world owes you nothing; it was here first
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.
- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

Copy from one, its plagiarism; copy from two, its research
- Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing
- Wernher Von Braun (1912-1977)

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows
- Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)

Imagination is more important than knowledge

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

The mistakes are all waiting to be made
- Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956) on the games opening position

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation
- H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there
- Yogi Berra

It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best
- W. Edwards Deming

All my life I've wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.
- Jane Wagner / Lily Tomlin (1939-)

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right
- Henry Ford (1863-1947)

Do, or do not. There is no try
- Yoda (The Empire Strikes Back)

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about
- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Everyday I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work
- Robert Orben

Opportunities multiply as they are seized
- Sun Tzu

The best way to predict the future is to invent it
- Alan Kay

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame
- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

There is no free lunch
- Milton Friedman

This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel
- Horace Walpole

When all think alike, no one is thinking very much
- Walter Lippmann (1889-1974)

Men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something
- Plato (429-347BC)

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other
- Eric Hoffer (1902-1983)

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him
- Stanislaw Jerzy Lec ( 1909-)

If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience?
- George Bernard Shaw

If two men on a job agree all the time, then one is useless. If they disagree all the time, then both are useless
- Darryl F. Zanuck

If a man does his best, what else is there?
- General George S. Patton (1885-1945)

The nicest thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people
- Lucille S. Harper

Criticism is prejudice made plausible

The cynics are right nine times out of ten
- Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity, an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty
- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

Love is what happens to a man and a woman who don't know each other

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve the continuation of the species
- W. Somerset Maugham

In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends
- Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate
- Thomas Jones

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted
- Helen Rowland (1876-1950)

Ask her to wait a moment... I am almost done
- Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855) when informed that his wife is dying

Wit is educated insolence

You must believe in free will; there is no choice.

We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions
- Isacc Bashevis Singer (1904-1991)

When you argue with a fool, two fools are arguing
- From a personal friend

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid
- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855)

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names
- John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech
- Martin Fraquhar Tupper

Happiness is good health and a bad memory
- Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)

Silence is argument carried out by other means
- Ernest Che Guevara (1928-1967)

Well done is better than well said
- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
- Will Rogers (1879-1935)

640K ought to be enough for anybody
- Bill Gates (1955-), in 1981

HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF!!!!

AESOP
Any excuse will serve a tyrant.

BROOKS ATKINSON
There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throats.

RUSSELL BAKER
Usually, terrible things that are done with the excuse that progress requires them are not really progress at all, but just terrible things.

People who have the power to make things happen don't do the things that people do, so they don't know what needs to happen.

AMBROSE BIERCE
Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.

SAMUEL BUTLER
The reasons why fools and knaves thrive better in the world than wiser and honester men is because they are nearer to the general temper of mankind, which is nothing but a mixture of cheat and folly.

DICK CAVETT
As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

PETER DRUCKER
So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work.

G. RAY FUNKHOUSER
The quality of legislation passed to deal with a problem is inversely proportional to the volume of media clamour that brought it on.

GREEN BERETS (Military motto)
If you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

GRAFFITI
We are the unwilling, led by the unqualified, doing the unnecessary for the ungrateful.

ROBERT HELLER
The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of management is that success equals skill.

STANISLAW J. LEC
Is it progress if a canibal uses a fork?

WALTER LIPPMANN
Unless the reformer can invent something which substitutes attractive virtues for attractive vices, he will fail.

SAM RAYBURN
If you want to get along, go along.

WILL ROGERS
Democracy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

MARK TWAIN
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you: that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

VOLTAIRE
To announce truths, to propose something useful to mankind, is an infallible receipt for being persecuted.

ANDREW YOUNG
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.

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